He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
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