dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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