I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
