Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
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Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
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You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
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