The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
