Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
The air was thick with penises
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Randomize
