Im at strip club and am horny
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
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