theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Randomize
