There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
