Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
You ruined the universe
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
