Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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