"it" just moved
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
