The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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