just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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