I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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