We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
