If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
