In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
