i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
