The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
