You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
