you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
