you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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