peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
