You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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