new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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