girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
