I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Found the puke drawer
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize