tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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