woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
