I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
