a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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