I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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