your room smells of hookers.
And success
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
