did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
