I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
