Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
