Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
