I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
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I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
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Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.