Apparently you make a good broom.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.