Texts From Last Night

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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.

  (973): View more from New Jersey

  I'm moving there. Get me hired.

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  (502): Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job. (973): I'm moving there. Get me hired. http://tfl.nu/wn7j
  Replies (39) Good night (5709) Bad night (792)
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.

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  (313): That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve. http://tfl.nu/vdk5
  Replies (16) Good night (883) Bad night (2777)
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.

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  (603): just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college. http://tfl.nu/g8i6
  Replies (17) Good night (3948) Bad night (559)
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.

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  (828): Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious. http://tfl.nu/m393
  Replies (15) Good night (6945) Bad night (775)
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  (408): View more from California

  I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.

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  (408): I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class. http://tfl.nu/di0h
  Replies (14) Good night (6817) Bad night (1320)
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.

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  (978): Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either. http://tfl.nu/z8zq
  Replies (25) Good night (1671) Bad night (3357)
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship

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  (815): Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship http://tfl.nu/xkl4
  Replies (5) Good night (2631) Bad night (1388)
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  (509): View more from Washington

  Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...

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  (509): Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place... http://tfl.nu/dgik
  Replies (6) Good night (1303) Bad night (711)
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  (984): View more from North Carolina

  i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.

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  (984): i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight. http://tfl.nu/cncx
  Replies (22) Good night (4312) Bad night (996)
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  (530): View more from California

  Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?

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  (530): Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning? http://tfl.nu/vtt9
  Replies (3) Good night (476) Bad night (1281)
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  (510): View more from California

  can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night

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  (510): can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night http://tfl.nu/2hja
  Replies (6) Good night (821) Bad night (468)
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  (323): View more from California

  There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream

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  (323): There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream http://tfl.nu/r44r
  Replies (9) Good night (515) Bad night (1169)
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.

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  (216): I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot. http://tfl.nu/mi2o
  Replies (3) Good night (978) Bad night (486)
• Favorite

  (970): View more from Colorado

  he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.

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  (970): he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again. http://tfl.nu/v15v
  Replies (4) Good night (1293) Bad night (335)
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.

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  (803): the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this. http://tfl.nu/qdyt
  Replies (0) Good night (550) Bad night (321)

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