If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get