in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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