I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
My vagina is very pro this idea
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
