he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
