You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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