I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Randomize
