i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
