I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
