I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
