I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
