I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
