This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
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You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
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You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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