I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Mom said you looked used
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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