the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
