well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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