the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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