There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
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