I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
