Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Randomize
