Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
23 Men Confess What Gifts Would Brighten Their Day
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?