Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...