Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
