Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
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