It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
