I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
